


cold tears, blood stained icy fingers

by moonplums



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Blood, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends With Benefits, Intersex Omegas, Language of Flowers, M/M, Mental Anguish, Miscarriage, Omega Suh Youngho | Johnny, Protectiveness, Self-Hatred, Unplanned Pregnancy, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:02:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24076420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonplums/pseuds/moonplums
Summary: He probably wouldn’t have even been allowed to keep it, so why was he crying so hard?
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Mark Lee & Suh Youngho | Johnny, Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Nakamoto Yuta/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Suh Youngho | Johnny/Everyone
Comments: 7
Kudos: 155





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags~

He doesn’t know why he calls Mark to ask him. It doesn’t matter anyways. Still, his fingers itch, and before he knew what he was doing, his phone was at his ear, and the words were falling from his mouth as soon as Mark answered his phone. He didn’t check the time. He didn’t think that the young alpha might be busy.

“Mark, who did I spend my last heat with?” The words are cold as they fall from his mouth, just like the tears that roll down his swollen cheeks.

“What?” Mark sounds busy, and he knows he is, he knows, but he cant help it. He just wants to know. Wants to know what could have been, what could have happened.

For some reason, he wants to scream at him. He knows it isn’t right. It isn’t. He’s never like that, there’s no good reason to yell, so he doesn’t.

“Do you remember who I spent my last heat with?” Johnny repeats, voice honey soft, if a bit emotionless. He doesn’t sound like himself at all. And then a thought hits him, and he’s quick to tack on. “Where you there this time?”

It was a rare occurrence. Johnny had helped Mark with a few of his ruts, but Mark had only helped with one of his heats before. He was so busy, only having time off permitted for his own ruts or other emergencies, and sometimes not even that. That one time, it had just been by chance that Mark had been there for the better part of one of his seven days.

“Uh, no.” Mark tells him, sounding bewildered. “I went there a few times to check up on you, but I didn’t…you know.

“So, you know who was taking care of me?” It was never really set and stone. Whoever was available would help out. Being the only omega, Johnny was always around during the two or three days that one of the elder alphas went into their ruts. It was undeniable that they had many alphas though, so when it was Johnnys week of hell, he got whoever was around and willing.

“Do you not remember it at all?” Mark asks. He knew, like most of them, that when it came to his heats, Johnny had a patchy memory, usually only remembering the very first and very last day, with some spots in the middle.

“Mmm…I remember Taeyong because he was on the first day. I have some memory of Ten and Doyoung too. And Yuta was there when I came out of it.” Yuta had been fully clothed when Johnny woke up in his bed, but he knew, somehow, he just knew they had been together. It didn’t matter much, really. They all were in agreement, and he was comfortable with any of them having him. They never hurt him or left him messed up, and they always, always took care of him afterwards, for days and days until his body stopped aching the way it always did after a heat.

“Jaehyun and Taeil too.” Mark told him helpfully.

_Numb._

The busier they were, the more helpers there were. Which just meant there was much more trouble for him.

Out of all his heats, there was only one that he remembered completely. The only one where he had spent the entirety of his heat with one another Alpha. It had just happened that way. Taeil had the time to take care of him, and he was willing to do it for the complete week, so there was no need for anyone else to join.

He still remembers being so happy that he cried. That the Alpha his body ached for more than anyone was with him. He had still been young then, or well, younger than he was now. Just after they had debuted, when the full weight of his childish crush was still weighting down on him. The only thought in his mind being _Taeil, Taeil, Taeil, Alpha is being so gentle with me, hyung is paying attention to me._

It did not matter anyways. They didn’t need to know about a baby that would never be.

He could have had Taeil’s baby. He could have had Taeyong’s baby. He could have had Yuta’s baby. He could have had Jaehyun’s baby. He could have had Doyoung’s baby. He could have had Ten’s baby. Their baby. Their baby. And he had gone and lost it.

A horrible sound falls from his mouth and the phone falls from his hand and onto the floor, skidding across the bathroom.

Why was he crying? Why was he crying like this? Why did he want to scream and slam his head back into the sink? This wasn’t like him. He never got like this.

He hadn’t even known about the baby for long before he had lost it.

“John? Johnny? Johnny, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

He can hear Marks voice, but it doesn’t truly register. He doesn’t even think of replying, all he can think about is the warm blood on his hands, the way red stains the tiles of the bathroom. Why was there so much blood? Was it supposed to be like this?

It had only been a week since he had found out, and no one had known about it. Not their managers, or his mom, nor any of the possible fathers, or any of his friends, no one. Just him and a little white stick that knew all his secrets.

He probably wouldn’t have even been allowed to keep it, so why was he crying so hard?

Because it was theirs, he knew the answer. Because he could have had a baby with Jaehyuns eyelashes, or Ten’s smile, or Yuta’s laugh, or Doyoung’s twinkling eyes, with Taeyong’s gentle hands or Taeil’s nose. And deep down, he had always wanted that. He never admitted it to himself, but he had wanted that. He wanted that; he had wanted to keep it. That’s why he hadn’t told anyone, he didn’t want anyone to tell him to get rid of it.

“Johnny? Are you in there? Open the door.”

He could hear the door rattling under the pounding being forced onto it, but he didn’t move, nor did he quiet, he was completely past the point where he could self soothe or ration with himself. All he could do was shake and cry, and wonder to himself, how had this happened?

How did he make this happen? Why had he done this? It was all his fault. He was the only one who had known, so it was all his fault. Something he had done; it had caused this.

“Johnny!”

“Move, Ten.”

A chill ran down his spine when he heard Jaehyun’s voice, and he found himself sliding away from the door, moving into the corner of the room, across the door, blood skidding behind him as he moved back, marking up the floor even worse as he curled around himself, hugging his shaking knees, ignoring how much it made his whole body hurt.

He didn’t even flinch when the door was forcibly pulled open, one hand clutching at his aching stomach, the other caressing the side of his own face, staining his face with half dried blood.

Silence, but only for a moment, and Johnny wasn’t even aware of it. His ears were pounding, and his vision was blurry and spotted black. If it weren’t for Ten wrapping him up in his arms, he would have hit his head on the ground.


	2. Chapter 2

Johnny never wants to leave this bed.

He felt peaceful, and serene, just for a moment or two, when he first woke up. It was not that he didn’t know where he was, or how he had gotten there, but just that for a moment or two, it didn’t matter much.

Then, the pain in his lower stomach brings him to attention and lets out a pitiful sound as he rolls over onto his back, turning away from the wall he was curled up towards.

The room is dark, the curtain around his bed pulled closed. The door to his room is slide open, he can tell, and for a moment, he wonders if he should alert anyone to his presence, but then decides against it.

The room is too cold. Why do they give such thin blankets and light sheets when the room is so freezing? He just wants to feel warm. He wants to be underneath a heavy, warm body, wrapping him up in their arms and holding him tight, protecting him from any outside forces. The smell of lavender, no, ginger and ash, or sweet lemon cake, or-

“Johnny?”

Johnny comes back to earth to find Taeyong standing by his bedside, hands resting on the bed, just a inch or so away from his.

He hums softly in return, finding himself feeling weaker than he had expected.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

Johnny glances around the room, eyes widening when he sees one of their frowning managers hovering by the curtain, and a doctor standing by the end of his bed, checking over his chart with a relaxed expression. Did that mean everything was fine?

Well, as fine as they could be.

If everything was really fine, he would still have something warm and living in his womb.

The doctor begins his talk, and Johnny tries his best to listen as Taeyong helps him sit up so he doesn’t have to hold himself up, adjusting the bed for him before settling by his bedside, paying rapid attention to the doctor.

How much time has past since the time in the bathroom?

“We’ll have to do an examination in the morning, to make sure all the fetal tissue has left naturally. If not, there will be a small procedure.”

Johnny nods slowly, trying to process those words. What did they mean? That there was still some of the remnants of his child inside of him? His face twists at the thought, and he has to look away to avoid falling apart in front of everyone.

He has so many questions he wants to ask. What did he do wrong?

Was there a way for him to find out the father of the lost fetus? The question almost fell from his mouth, but he held himself back. There was no point in asking, he knew that. It wouldn’t change anything; it would just hurt more. If he knew, he would never be able to look at the father of the child in the eyes ever again.

“Normally, the procedure would be done within the same day, but we don’t want to push you today. For now, please get your rest.” Ah, so it had only been a few hours at most then. Now that he thought about it, Taeyong looked like he had come in a rush.

Was he really such a disaster that he couldn’t even handle doing it the same day as any other mother? Any…would be mother. He felt his hand twitch on the side of him, and after a beat, felt warm feelings curling between his own.

He glances over out of surprise, meeting Taeyongs gentle gaze. Johnnys chest squeezes so hard that he almost grabs it, but managers to keep his other shaking hand on his other side.

“You’re still bleeding for now, so be mindful of that as well. Nothing strenuous for at least two weeks, I would say, physical or otherwise,” With that, the doctors gaze traveled to the manager standing by the curtain, who was quick to nod in understanding.

“I’ll see you in the morning,”

With that, the doctor left the room, and Johnny felt cold and shivery again. Taeyong caught onto this quick and pulled a blanket from the end of the bed around his shoulders, a hand supporting Johnny’s shoulders as he pushed him to sit back.

“Do you mind if we stay for awhile?” Taeyong asks him softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. Johnnys thigh felt warm pressed up against his. He wanted Taeyong closer, to touch him, to warm him up completely, to-

“Stay as long as you want.” Johnny says with a pleasant smile, leaning back, and casting an uninterested look around the room. He noticed that the manager had left and meets eyes with Taeyong again.

“Do you mind if the others come up to see you for a bit, then?” Taeyong asks.

Johnny puts on a smile that hurts him in more ways than one. “Of course.”

Taeyong smiles, squeezes his hand, and when he gets up to leave, Johnny wants to cry and reach for him and beg him not to leave. 

Johnny tries to right himself and will away the tears that were burning his eyes. He didn’t want to be caught weeping over this. No, not by them. They would ask questions, he knew. Johnny had never really expressed much interest in having children before, so they would wonder why he was taking it so hard, right?

It wasn’t just because it was a baby. It was because it was _their_ baby. But he could never tell them that. No, it would just be too humiliating.

The door slides open and Johnny tries hold himself up when Dongyoung, Taeil, and Yuta come in, Taeyong on their heels.

“What are you doing up?” Dongyoung comes over and begins to fuss, reaching behind Johnny to fluff up his pillows.

“Taeyong, why are you letting him up and around,” Taeil mutters as he comes around to Johnny other side, squishing himself into the gap between the bed and wall.

“I wasn’t,” Taeyong says, sounding irritated even to Johnny’s drowsy ears.

Johnny can’t do anything but stare at them in silent shock. He knew he was in the hospital, and was weak and beaten at the moment, but he didn’t expect them to act this way. What were they doing making a fuss over him when he wasn’t even in heat?

Right, he would have to ask the doctor next time when his heat would come after all this.

“Don’t argue right now,” Yuta bites, and Johnny cant fight his surprise when they all actually listen, the four of them fussing over him so much it makes him want to cry, until they all settle in around him.

Johnny doesn’t know how long they stay for, because he falls asleep with Dongyoung’s hand running through his hair not long after.

He wakes up again, hours later, with a bouquet of two different kinds of white flowers sitting on his stomach, and Jaehyun fast asleep with his head resting on the edge of his bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the flowers jaehyun brings johnny are white lilies, which are the most common flower for funerals and those who are mourning, and have several other suitable meanings for this. the other white flowers were gardenia's, which if you know anything about flower language...*blushing emoji*

**Author's Note:**

> i actually dont know if i want to do more of this or not so i'll just leave it like this for now ghdjhjjf im sorry for the sad


End file.
